#RevisionDocument

Natalie Frank

REVISION DOCUMENT

Initial Text	Why I Changed: Observation or Question	Changes made	How this change impacts my paper
His lectures, lessons, and ideas are the most valuable thing I have yet to learn at Brooks Institute.	Teacher said “thing” was vague	His lectures, lessons, and ideas are extremely valuable in the writing field and in life, as well.	It makes it more understand and less vague. More interesting.
Writing a great story is the hardest part to filmmaking, yet the most important.	Not specific and does not cover everything in the paper.	A story in our head needs to be written in a way that the reader can have the same story in their head. Writing a great story that is entertaining, yet believable is the hardest part to filmmaking, yet the most important and the main focus of David Schwartz's lectures.	It tells the reader what he/ she is about to read in depth. It included the interviewed subject.
The script supervisor who has no creative control is just as important as the editor. Any job on a motion picture, whether it be pre- production, production or post-production have no value unless there is a working script that these talented people holding these important jobs can work off of.	It was isn't very important to the paper.	I removed it.	Removing those sentences keeps the reader from becoming distracted and losing track of my initial points. It was just taking up space and giving too much background and unneeded information.
I cannot count how many beautiful movies I have seen but the story is terrible or it just does not make any sense	It doesn't fit in the type of paper I am writing.- research based.	I removed it.	Just fluff. Now it is gone and it is a smoother read that fits the theme of the paper.
David is able to give the main ideas….	No main ideas were written in my essay.	I wrote some of the main ideas that David discusses.	It gives more information about David and his writing. It also proves my argument.
He gives clear examples from famous motion pictures to help the reader understand the points made and be able to use it in their own writing. We tell stories everyday.	These sentences break up into two different paragraphs but have nothing to do with each other.	I moved some paragraphs around. I changed the first sentence in the second paragraph because it didn't relate to what came next.	Doing this, gave the paper better structure and allows it to flow better.
. For example, “And yet - during the pursuit of this desire and the struggle that always ensues, the protagonist often comes to distinguish between this desire or goal and its underlying CAUSE OR NEED. ...	I didn’t say where this was from.	I put in the fact that David wrote it in his paper.	It makes it clearer for the audience. They now know who wrote these profound words and where it fits in to my paper.
What is in our head might make sense to the thinker but not anyone else. Finding the correct words is also a challenging part of screenwriting.	This was a big claim to put at the end of an paragraph on a middle page.	I left it in that paragraph but also added the idea to my thesis statement as part of my argument.	To have such a  big claim in a paragraph without the reader not knowing it was coming was a bad idea.
He said the language he used, meaning film language, was very good, for a beginning writer	This sentence stopped and started to much. It was choppy.	He said that for a beginning writer, the film language he used was very well done. The visual aspects were good and he mentioned that the behavior of his character was not very good.	It is better to break up that sentence. They I changed it gets my point across and is not as confusing.
My structure in my first and second drafts was horrible. It was way too jumpy and confusing to follow my points and argument.	I changed it so the reader would have something to follow and be transitioned from each paragraph easily.